What doesn’t happen in a year happens in a moment; that’s how the saying goes.
In one moment so much changed; my perception shifted. I realised my thoughts did not match my reality.
In 12 hours, I realised that no matter how much you care for someone sometimes it just won’t be reciprocated. In 12 hours, I realised how many excuses I was making for bad behaviour, I realised how much I was lying to myself; in 12 hours, I realised that I lowered my expectations because I did not believe that I was enough and that was the saddest realisation of all.
For months and months, I knew that this particular scenario was not serving me- I did not have the courage to completely walk away and although mentally I did, I knew energetically I was still hanging on. I had asked for my sign numerous of times and you best believe that I received them over and over and over again. Each time I walked away I felt as though I had control but in the same token I felt hollow and as though my efforts were not enough.
I finally received a message that I could not ignore, it was loud and clear. In that moment, I truly understood the phrase: “actions speak louder than words.”
Only then did I realise how much we are willing to excuse bad behaviour. Only then did I realise that my capacity to care and forgive was beautiful but what was also beautiful was the courage to walk away from something that did not serve me.
I needed permission to walk away without feeling as though it was my fault. I learnt that it’s okay to walk away from something that hurt you; the truth is we go back to what feels comfortable (even if comfortable is not good enough.) We want or need to feel something- anything and although it isn’t love, it is desire and that can be just as good… temporarily.
We should never go back to what hurts us, because the truth is it cannot heal us.
In order to grow sometimes we need to let go of the thing holding us back.
Peace & love, Mikaela